Nelli's Secret

It’s the only thing that gives me solace
Attaining more than an unstable purpose 
Breathing enigmatic kisses 
Opening my eyes when I’m unwell 
Reaching towards the phone 
Dispersing your imaginary caress 
Throughout my pillowcase of silken screams

You should like to know I’ve always had a secret
Sealing my autonomy between my teeth 
Writing up scenarios with our imaginary friends 
Spelling out the moments you have never seen me 
Writhing just beneath your whip
You call me up to tell me how you’ve been provoked 
But I desist 

Lounging in the midst of your austere cafe
I am scared, and I am weary
I pray my happiness will not have gone away 
I think of how in some contained and distant future
We could be players in a more transparent feint
I choose my words with bludgeoned premonition  
But you are invulnerable 

I wonder how you’ve trapped me in this menial incarceration 
Waking up with nothing to look forward to
No promise of a better future 
No vision of tomorrow where I awake and hope to see you too
Well everyone my age is getting married 
In a fancy, staving off all the lonely dances 
We are rendered slaves to our own loneliness 
And then, he said that it was not the same alone 
Being on your own within the world of never-ending thrills
Life is beautiful my dear
What do you mean by thrills 
Oh let me show you 

Took me to some horror in the middle of the night 
Nestled deep within the basement of a sometime cabaret
Take my hand and guide me down red velvet on a set of stairs 
Blinded by illusory existence 
Bound in this enticing promise of a life— 
He lay me down and told me not to think it 
But every day I’ll stay there weeping
Because my dear I have a secret 
Because it will not warrant your forgiveness 
No matter what you think—it’s true 
I think that I have fallen rather deeply just for you