In Due Time

Would it be too great a risk to kiss 
A nearly-blond near stranger?  
Would that be my excuse to let you go? 
But would I ever want to? 
Relax—I jest.

Of course I’d never let you go 
You, who represent virility and comfort
(Depending who you ask)
My steadfast everlasting safety—
And who might help me recreate 
The happy fortress I was raised in?
Who will squeeze a drop of childhood 
Into my morning coffee? 
But who will make me feel excitement?
Who will paint indelible charisma on my face?

To be lonely is to be afflicted 
With a malady that knows no anodyne 
And in the intervening convalescence 
A degenerative madness is born out of 
The hunt for human presence 
A pull towards some other voices
Deemed compelling 
Or insane

I wish that every morning 
I could wake up by your side 
But that would be too great a risk—
For whom I cannot say 
And nor can you 

So who will paint that smile on my face?

Maybe you were always categorically depressed
Well, I was always lonely
And maybe that was not a viable amalgamation 
Yet I cannot tell you how I long to 
Repossess the fever I once felt
That January morning we woke up together 
The January evening we stayed up all night 
And watched each other off to sleep  

I wonder whether you will ever grow as old as me
And what if soon our kids will wonder 
Where their daddy’s gone 
The evenings of their birthdays 
What if by then you’ll be gone? 

I watch my father 
Every April filing taxes 
Reclining on the old divan 
Breaking seals on envelopes 
Counting up the numbers 
In these color-sorted grids
Glasses on his forehead 
Familial authority
Taking weight off mother 
Balancing her physical activity and peace 
Will you ever be a similar commander? 
Or will I have to man the house alone?

Will I always seek forbidden conversation?
Will I always fantasize of being loved 
With this forbidden fervor 
Bordering on violence or abuse?

Will I always go to parties by myself? 
Will I always lounge with wanton men 
Over a plate of sea bream and a beef tartare
Gin and tonic and a bowl of cookies 
Peppermint and chamomile tea
Men who share your job, 
Your hometown, your religion 
Men who rage over their crazy stories
Men who speak out when the time is right 
Men who burst out wildly intelligent 
In an attempt to light me up 
And none of them are like you

And would I regret my choice forever 
Because I could have known forever 
In a swathe of happiness?

I wish you weren’t gone 
But I wish when you were here 
You could enjoy my presence 
Treat me like the rarest thing in the entire world 
Because I am

You have always known it
I will always know it 

Against these glistering gold sequins 
In a moonlit sparkling blue dress 
Curls waterfalling down my nape 
I will always let you capture me in your embrace 
Allow our lips to rightly press together 
Fingers weave a tapestry of colors
Throw my hands up on your shoulders 
Wrap your arms around my waist 
And then I know I’ll never kiss a soul but you 
In all your imperfections 
But one day I hope 
You’ll bring me up to all your friends 
Point a finger proudly
Whisper out, 
“She’s mine.” 

And then I will be yours forever.